Pacquiao: a rematch with Cotto!

July 4, 2010 2 comments

loljk I have werk.

congress, y'know? now y'know.

Word has it that our great and glorious revolutionary champion, the All-Father Manny “Man-of-Pac” Pacquiao has agreed to purge and reap vengeance upon the inferior infidel that is Miguel “idk-his-boxing-catchphrase” Cotto in a boxing match. A boxing match! Wait a minute, kapeng mainit. Can he do that? The answer is YES. And you know what? I personally think he should. Never mind the fact that he’s a duly-elected congressman with a job appointed by the sovereign vote of the Filipino people; this guy can actually, tangibly do something that Filipinos, not only in Gen. Santos or in Saranggani, but in the entire archipelago, come to love and appreciate! And that’s KICK SOME @#$%%$#@#$%^&*&^%$

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What happened in the Limo???

June 30, 2010 6 comments

i smell ham


They thought we’d never get it, but we did! PNIM! snuck a hidden recorder inside the limousine of President-Elect Noynoy Aquino and former-president-now-Pampanga posse Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo! The following is an accurate transcript of their conversations, revealing shocking truths about Philippine politics!

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The Battle for the Robe

May 19, 2010 Leave a comment

Ladies and gentlemen, your new Chief Justice, Renato Corona. Allow me to risk being held in contempt by the highest court of justice in the country with this post.

O hai!

Now, you’ve seen the news. It was the controversy of the summer (okay, being politics in the Philippines, there’s always controversy afoot), but this one is important because the fucking Supreme Court is involved. (I personally think the Supreme Court is badass; have you ever read one of their rulings, their ponencias? One day I hope to write like that and be the bane of law students and casual readers everywhere.)

First, I’m going to talk about one of the major focal points of this entire issue: the much-debated clause in the 1987 Constitution that the Court controversially chose to interpret in GMA’s favor. (Yeah, I went there.) This, my friends, is what it says, from Article VII aka the Executive Department (fuck yeah I know where to find it! Thanks, Pol Sci 14 and Sir Cainghog!):

Section 15. Two months immediately before the next presidential elections and up to the end of his term, a President or Acting President shall not make appointments, except temporary appointments to executive positions when continued vacancies therein will prejudice public service or endanger public safety.

It’s very clear. It’s very fucking clear. VERY. FUCKING. CLEAR.

For the unaware, the Court decided to read that as “no one except temporary executive positions, but it don’t say nothing about the Chief Justice”. I say bullshit, because I (and just about everyone who opposes it) read it as “no one except temporary executive positions PERIOD“. As in, because they didn’t name the Chief Justice as an exception, he is not an exception, because the last time I checked, being a Justice is not an executive position. Plain fucking English. The Court was trying to look for a loophole somewhere, but because the language was pretty clear, firm, and tighter than a virgin, what the Court actually did here was undermine and tear a gaping hole in that part of the Constitution making that loophole.

Have I mentioned that this entire fiasco has greatly undermined the credibility of said Court? No? Well.

It’s not that I have anything against the homie personally. I don’t know him; for all we know, he may be actually a competent judge and his lips aren’t totally glued to GMA’s wrinkly ass. At the very least, I try to give everyone some good old benefit of the doubt. It’s just that nobody at all likes the way this shit went down. Everyone calls shenanigans.

This move is and was totally unnecessary, especially now that it’s pretty evident that there is probably no failure of elections about to happen (so far). The structure of power is and will be left intact by the time Noynoy takes his oath from a currently undetermined public official who is not Renato Corona. Thus, the country never really needed an emergency Chief Justice to oversee shit, because now it’s pretty clear that we will have a President firmly in office to name his own CJ.

To be real, GMA had the time and the chance to withdraw her appointment, but being the political genius she is (let’s face it, she’s an evil genius), she went ahead with it anyway, thus tainting Mr. Corona’s reign. That’s why we’re calling shenanigans.

If Noynoy successfully manages to win out in some fashion over this, then I will consider him to have very huge balls, and perhaps the smarkiest of the left could have some sort of respect for the guy. (Then he should deal with Hacienda Luisita, but that’s a different story for another day.)

Did Willie Screw Manny?

May 14, 2010 1 comment

You know what I mean: did the controversial Wowowee host hurt Villar’s chances in the race?

There’s a Yahoo! Answers thread speculating just that, and most of the respondents (who are most probably from the middle class, judging in their nearly unanimous hate for the Wil) agree that Willie and his latest antics (for the unaware, he’s been AWOL from his home show Wowowee since last week because of a little catfight with somebody from ABS-CBN brass) caused Villar to come up short at third place, contrasting with the survey projections that saw him at second.

However, I’m going to go out on a limb here and join the minority in that thread who have said that it wasn’t (entirely) Willie’s fault. No.

Villar screwed Villar.

Let’s be real. At the very least, Willie was not as exposed in Manny’s campaign as, well, Manny himself. It’s simple, really: what truly did him in was the sheer amount of ad material Manny launched in his own campaign, from taking over stupid pop songs to creating his own stupid pop songs to going viral on Yahoo! Messenger to using bajillions of celebrities to using his even using his own mother to defend himself. If there was a way to NOT do a political campaign correctly, the 2010 Manny Villar presidential campaign is a very, very good example of that. Towards the end, his own overexposure made him look horribly desperate.

(Biased? Of course. I never pretended to be unbiased. I hate this guy as much as you do.)

And whether or not the various accusations (C5, landgrabbing) against him were true, you can’t help but both wonder why he thinks he had to spend all those billions to continually shoot new ads and annoy the people and be disappointed that he didn’t use all those billions to, you know, help the poor. Even if he has more billions to help the poor, given the current state of shit today, I think you’d agree with me when I say that every billion can do so fucking much for so many.

What about Noynoy? Wasn’t he a little viral and overexposed towards the end, too? Yes, I have to admit that he was, but anyone can tell you that Manny had a lot more new ads churning out of his PR machine – from endorsing party lists, endorsing his senators, and using a vast roster of various people to defend himself. On average, there were like two or three Villar ads to one Noynoy ad every commercial break; my father hit it right on the head when he said the networks show nothing but Villar. Thus, Noynoy is made to look like a saint – and a choice to spite the fuck out of Manny and his fans – in comparison.

In fact, the COMELEC should be ashamed of itself for not having the balls to enforce its time limit rule, not only on Manny but on Noynoy too, possibly on Erap as well – though, then again, if Noynoy and Manny were disqualified, we might be looking another Erap presidency in the eyes, because I’m not entirely sure if Erap went over the limit. Pretty sure he was inching closer to it too.

Speaking of Erap, another argument is that Erap already holds the masa vote, the same vote which Villar is still trying to sway until now. That does actually make a lot of sense, since he was the original Man in Orange.

Have I written all of this because I like Papi? Well, I used to like Willie, but now he’s starting to get a lot more annoying, so no. I wrote all of this because I truly believe that Manny Villar screwed Manny Villar. There’s really no other way around it, boys and girls.

TODAY’S NEWS ROUND-UP: Noynoy Barrage & Election Returns Edition

May 14, 2010 Leave a comment

We bring you our take on the day’s most important news, as the day comes to a close. (We promise that it won’t be this late next time.)

There’s too much Noynoy in the news! Then again, the same can be said for anyone who ranks #1 in the presidential race. Let’s begin!

ERAP CALLS FRAUD, FULFILLS PREDICTION OF SECOND PLACE BITCHING, BOTTOM 3 COMPLAIN, PPCRV IS HUMAN TOO – In a move for the “totally called it” file, Erap bitches about the elections being rigged. While it isn’t above COMELEC, Erap is angry because even his own beloved San Juan saw Noynoy at the top spot. Here’s an idea: maybe the concept of a bailiwick is too broad and vague, and maybe not everyone in San Juan loves Erap! Maybe those decade-old controversies and plunder charges have something to do with it? In a related note, the Bottom 3 candidates – Perlas, Jamby, and JC – are also complaining of fraud. News flash, guys, even if fraud is proven, you’re not going to end up anywhere near the top.

NOYNOY DON’T WANT CORONA – Like you, he doesn’t agree with the whole midnight appointment thing. I read the Constitution (for PolSci), and I read the part where outgoing Presidents can’t appoint people to important positions, and while the Supreme Court may argue that it says nothing about the Chief Justice being included in the ban, I say it says nothing about the Chief Justice being an exception. Though, what can you do when the Court decides to interpret a law that they’re heavily relying on in their favor? Anyway, this leads us to…

PALACE IRRATIONALLY ANGRY BECAUSE NOYNOY HAS BALLS OF STEEL – Because he reacted to the new Chief Justice appointment in the most awesome and defiant way possible, the Palace is warning Noynoy to shut his mouth or risk getting impeached. You know, before he’s even sworn into office. Or hell, even officially won that silly election thing.

NOYNOY WANTS TO USE HIS ENORMOUS… “POWERS” TO PROBE GMA, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN – I mean, really, the headline begs for an “if you know what I mean” joke. Nevertheless, I do hope you know what I mean. If you don’t, I really mean that if it so happens Noynoy wins, then he’s going to send all sorts of fact-finding commissions loose on GMA… and then he’s probably going to probe the First Girlfriend with said “enormous powers”. Okay, that’s a horrible mental image. I apologize.

Right, that’s all the unique news I can gather for today, as the rest is a lot more of the same. Here’s hoping we finally get something concrete tomorrow.

Now playing: Chamillionaire – Morning News
via FoxyTunes

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My Brief Encounter with a Hardcore Erap Zealot

May 12, 2010 Leave a comment

As soon as the election results started to trickle in steadily the other night, it quickly became pretty obvious that the presidential race was strictly neck-and-neck between Noynoy and Erap. Of course, like any other sane Filipino, I thought the scenario of Erap possibly gaining the lead was pretty facepalm-worthy; in a moment of paranoid despair, I plurked/tweeted the following:

I thought nothing of it soon after, deeming it a throwaway message. The next day, however, after going online that afternoon, I found the following reply from an absolute stranger sitting in my @ box:

He didn't have the balls to uncensor himself.

I kind of scratched my head at this; first, because I’ve been in deadlier crossfires where the real word “fuck” has been thrown my way; and second, thanks to my crappy internet situtation it would take me a while to figure out why I was being verbally assaulted like this. When I did find out what he was retorting to, the gears in my head clicked: this dude is a hardline Erap supporter who magically found his way to the Internet. Or Twitter, to be more specific.

Licking my lips at the prospect of another fun interwebs feud, I fired back with this absolutely scathing riposte:

It's true! It's damn true!

The sad part is I haven’t heard from him since then, but in the meantime I looked through his Twitter account to see what kind of guy he is. So far, I haven’t been proven wrong.

First off, he harbors a laughable hatred of ABS-CBN (and every other news outlet in Metro Manila, I suppose):

Exactly what the fuck is a mockerer?

Then I find out that his reply to me was but a single bullet of a cyber-scattershot directed to those who have trashed Erap online (which are a lot, lemme tell ya). It’s as though he searched for the keyword “Erap” on Twitter because he had nothing better to do.

It took me a day to figure out what “8z” means – it means “it’s”. Jejemon? Hells yeah.

He reminds me of the town drunkard that gatecrashes your house party, possibly brandishing a water shotgun to try and intimidate everyone. Oh, wait, that already happened in an Erap rally.

There are a lot more literary gems to be excavated from his unintentionally hilarious Twitter account; there are just too much for me to copy and paste individually. If anything, this guy’s behavior and language skills do justify the existence of the Erap character in the jokes – apparently, Dear Leader rubs off on his supporters.

I do want this guy to respond to me so I can trash-talk a hole in his ass, but it looks like he was just acting macho when he assaulted a good part of the Philippine Twitter community in the defense of his personal hero. The sane Twitter community, might I add. The one-eyed kings of the blind Erap country.

Though if he does come back for more, rest assured you will be updated. For the lulz. As for Mr. Napoleon Polinar, welcome to PNIM!, bitch.

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Elected on Friday

May 12, 2010 Leave a comment

DISCLAIMER: This is a repost. This wasn’t my original plan for PNIM!‘s debut, but as I was writing this entry for my personal blog, I thought it would make good material for this blog. So please forgive me tonight, and I will definitely come back with something original next time.

The elections have come and are currently in the process of going, without [much of] a hitch that I’m aware of. (Other than people still getting blown up, of course.) Nothing entirely derailing happened and the first-ever automated polls played out better than everyone expected, and even though I called otherwise, that’s always good news. Either that, or the awesomeness of getting results almost right away contributes to some sort of illusion of progress, or whatever reason the leftists will come up with to fulfill their traditional roles of being buzzkills.

Let’s make one thing clear, though: I didn’t vote. You can hate on me or keep it in your pants, but that won’t matter now since it’s all now in the process of being said and done. If it’s any consolation though, it’s not like I didn’t want to; registration is a pain in the ass. Worry not, I will be in full force come 2016.

So, a few thoughts from all the hubbub:

While Noynoy isn’t my personal candidate, I honestly wasn’t surprised to see him leading the numbers. You can hate on him all you want, but you’ve seen his supporters. He’s the most popular middle-class vote. It would be very naive of you to be surprised.

What is a big surprise, however, is the fact that Erap still managed to find the #2 spot. Gordon was right – the surveys were indeed a load of bullshit, and apparently the truth was much, much worse. People are still stu- err, I mean, unenlightened. I might even be on the verge of another little interweb feud with a stranger – a hardline Erap fanatic – over this very issue; stay tuned for the details.

Speaking of being unenlightened, Acosta still got a shitload of votes, undeservingly giving Dick Gordon a run for his money. That is unprecedented, people. Simply unprecedented. Although, if this was the KBL’s plan, then they are political geniuses. And a bunch of dicks.

In another case of the surveys being wrong, Binay unexpectedly leads the pack, proving that the appeal of the entire Philippines going the way of Makati is apparently just too hard to resist. Oh, and the “woooooh” song most likely helped a lot, too. Of course, the untold story here is how Bayani’s very last series of retarded ads essentially doomed his chances at staying relevant. Again, maybe next time, buddy.

My predictions of Risa Hontiveros making the Magic 12 have been shot to pieces, as she is still keeping a tight hold on the number 13 spot. Even though Noynoy will be winning it all, leaving one Senate seat open, they’re not going to take a 13th senator. It seems as though I have overestimated the taste of the Filipino people; they’re not going to vote for a progressive hottie, no – they’d rather vote for ex-action stars.

I wonder how it feels to have wasted all those billions in an annoying viral campaign. If Mr. Villar has learned at least one important lesson in this election season, I hope it’s the lesson of not overexposing yourself. Trust me, that shit backfires. Just ask John Cena. But really, is common sense so hard to use?

Anyway, no matter how people will bitch and moan, whether they like it or not, this is the new landscape that has been set before us. It is less than productive to continue sourgraping (if people have begun at all); it is a lot more logical to plan out how we’re going to work on getting ourselves out of this mess. Everyone who has conceded so far is a class act for not resorting to creating a ruckus, even though the act of conceding itself is a lot more self-indulgent than altruistic.

Allow me a little optimism, friends, it’s all we’ve got to run on.

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